I just re-read my last post and realize it continues to be relevant. Furthermore, it is vividly clear that so much gravity still pulls me to want to control outside circumstances rather than my internal processing.
Blogging had been one of my ways of processing internally and I suppose I have got away from it in past several months. Hmmmm…. maybe time to make time for it again 🙂
I have posted in past about my ongoing distaste for certain aspects of AA culture. Well the sum of many fears came together last night… at my “Cake Meeting” of all times.
I shared from the podium at my home group of about 40 people after my sponsor had given me my cake. Later, and old-timer got up and specifically picked some of what I said and essentially dis’d it. He was specific, singled me out, and made very pointed and judgemental remarks against specifically what I said from the podium.
I was rattled. Still am.
This is an aspect of AA culture that I find difficult. Old timers who basically brush past tradition and say what they want just because they have been there for 40 years. No manners, no compassion, no discretion. I have never heard this fellow reference a sponsor in the 5 years I have known him. Nor sponsees. Never seen him at a step group. Does he work a program or just bark about one at meetings?
An AA podium as I understood it was for “sharing”. I have never known it to be intended for “directing”, “correcting”, “debating”, or “confronting”.
So here I am at the same cross road. This guy’s bothersome behaviour is an external force. My processing it is an internal thing. Which do I deal with? Well, if my last post meant anything, I should deal with what is going on with me.
So so far this morning, and it is still early on a Saturday morning, so I prayed, emailed my sponsor and my good friend who chaired the meeting, and now I am blogging about it to help process the thoughts and feelings through. Why? Because that is where the part of the problem is that I am responsible for. And also the only part of the problem that I can reliably deal with.
Maybe the blow-hard will change, maybe he won’t. Frankly, I shouldn’t care. I barely do. I am being honest, I wish he would but that is not my thing to deal with.
So right now, my heart is a little sore and my head is a little busy. That is enough responsibility for now. Not unlike the ocean swells I mentioned in my last post, the blow-hards and AA big-mouths aren’t likely to go away anytime soon.
So I’m best to just sit where the breeze is blowing, sip on some gingerale, and deal with what’s going on in me.
Thanks for helping me do that.